chasing the sun

For all intents and purposes I would say that I believe in God. I don't know how to prove it or how to explain why I do, I just know that this world would be a lonely place if there were no God. I've been thinking a lot about life these past few months...about the existence of it and the progression of it. I have come to no brilliant conclusions and I have no scientific studies to back up any remarkable discoveries. I just know that life is quite definitely planned. It has to have a source because life creates life...there must have been life before we came on the seen...Jesus says "I am the way, the truth, the life..." God is the source.

That said and understood (hopefully), I then wonder how we could be so deceived in thinking that this creator and source of life could ever be completely fathomed and understood. People try to figure Him out in lists and formulas that describe and define Him. They reduce Him to doctrine and words on a page.

And so it seems He is intangible and aloof. He no longer draws near to His people. He no longer interacts as a person with His beloved. And people begin to forget Him. We forget His word is law and life. We forget His love and His mercy and His judgment and wrath. And we carry on with our lives pursuing the dreams we have created for ourselves in our forgetfulness. We raise up and pray to other gods (money, power, pleasure) and worship ourselves.

Only, our problems cannot be solved with formula, methodology, or even theological systems. Problems are solved and worked through in relationship with God and others who follow God. The messy stuff of life is where we find our freedom from idol worship and self-absorbance. In caring for others, we lose ourselves and learn to love without condition or hesitation. It is hard to admit need and dependence, especially when the person we need most is not bodily present. But He has empowered others to serve in that capicity, to love us in flesh the way He loves us in Spirit.

And so ends this incomplete thought. I don't really know where it will end up, but I am excited by the possibility of finding out.

I just spent two hours with a very good friend of mine who is in distress. She is very discouraged by the Christians in her life who cannot seem to make a couple of hours available to help those truly in need. She sees them participating in large, scheduled outreaches to the deserving poor and huddle masses, yet they can't give up 2 hours on a Saturday to help someone move? What is worse is that she feels guilty for being discouraged and disappointed in them.

I say, be discouraged and be disappointed and make your issues known!! We all must realize that it is not only in large dramatic acts, but in the small, seemingly insignificant, day-to-day acts of kindness that we exhibit the love of God to those who do not understand it. Its no wonder few see God as relevant when those of us who have been called and have chosen to follow Him can't get past our own crap, our own fear, our own misplaced priorities and simply love people, no matter who or what they are. Love isn't about simply co-existing with others, its about intentionally getting involved in their lives...in their crap, their fears, their day-to-day.

Its messy and uncomfortable and not too pleasant at times. But when you can connect to someone on a deeper level, you can mean something to them and then you have an opportunity to love them like God intended all of us to be loved...unconditionally.

Some would say that Spring is the season for love...but I think its Fall. If you spend much time watching people, you begin to notice this ritual. A lovely young lady is walking down the street. She spots a young man walking toward her and he sees her too. Their eyes meet, only for a moment, but who needs more than a moment? She glances down at the sidewalk, sure that she's blushing, then back up at him, smiling as if to say "Thanks for noticing." He smiles back and looks away, wishing he had time to stop and talk, but he doesn't, not if he wants to get to work on time. So, she passes by, still beaming; and he turns briefly to watch her go. He's not ogling, just smiling like he just won the lottery. He turns and continues walking.

It may sound like something out of a movie, but it seriously happened this morning. It happens every day on the streets of Chicago, I'm sure. Especially in the Fall, and I'll tell you why. Because the weather is turning colder and people are looking for someone to keep them warm in the Winter months. Don't despair! Fall is absolutely the season for love!!

Remember when you were a kid and you didn't care what anybody thought? You road that bike with the banana seat - you wore that bright yellow shirt on the first day of junior high that was sure to get you noticed - you had permed hair when the style was straight hair - you played touch-football with the boys, though you knew you had a good chance of being hurt and/or embarassed - Okay, maybe that was just me.

Why is it that as we get older, we become more aware of others and their opinions about every little thing when, shouldn't it be the other way around. I agree we need to take others into consideration, but the control "they" have over much of what we do is astonishing. I feel the need to clarify for fear of sounding selfish and out of control. Used to, I would do something because it was the right thing to do or at least the fun thing, not because I cared one bit how it was perceived by another person. Lately, I find myself waiting for the mysterious green light that never comes in the form you think it will before I make even the remotest attempt to communicate my feelings to someone else. Why do I not feel safe? And, do I have to feel safe in order to act? My actions previously have answered a resounding "Yes!!", but I think the winds of change are sweeping through.

Its high time the words "risk" and "chance" took their place in my vocabulary. We should all learn to take a few risks, don't you think? Remember when you were a kid???...yeah, just like that.

I have no marketable skills...relatively none, anyway. I have been a student for the last seven years, since graduating from high school. I love school. Its really the only thing I've ever been any good at. And this is where I find my latest dilemna. I'm not a "doer". By nature and in practice, I'm a "be-er". That sounds strange, I know. What I mean is that I can understand a great deal, but when it comes to putting it into practice, I am rubbish.

Case in point: I used to play volleyball in college. I learned all the techniques and practiced two hours a day. I absorbed everything the coach said and followed her instructions explicitly in order to make the necessary changes in my performance, but I improved very little. It wasn't for lack of trying or absence of passion for the game. I ran myself ragged, walking away from my first season with numerous scrapes and bruises as well as a terrible case of shin-splints (Ouch!). But now...I can tell you what players are doing wrong and what they are doing right, what they need to change, where the holes are in the other teams defense and which direction they should go with a spike. I can see how the game should be played, but I would ruin it if I tried to get in there and do it myself.

I feel this way a lot of times about my faith and church. I am a great learner and my knowledge translates into a change in my worldview and the way in which I deal with the people around me. I have a good capacity for synthesizing what I learn. The problem is that I am passionate about learning and growing in those ways. I long to pass on that knowledge to others who might or might not benefit from it. But this is not something I find much use for in the church. Don't get me wrong, faith without works is useless. I believe strongly in taking care of the poor, the widow, the orphan and I will commit to do those things with my life. But still there is value in learning and understanding the world fully and completely with as much objectivity as is humanly possible. I long to see the "big picture" and to be able to describe it for others.

I wish I could understand what it feels like to be more concerned about people than I am about the truth. Consumed with knowing the truth and understanding it, I often overlook the importance of people. I wonder if God made me this way, or if I'm just cold-hearted and unloving. I feel that way when I look so hard for understanding from others and find only reproach, even from friends.

God, I am whiny today! Forgive my grumblings...

i could seriously play around all day on Google...its like one fascinating rabbit-trail after another, which is perfect for my personality. Being new to this whole blog thing, I feel like I should write brilliant and thought-provoking things, things that people who might happen upon my blog will be talking about for years to come and citing in their acceptance speeches for their Oscars and Nobel prizes. But in the end the most interesting thing I have to write about is me...and I'm not that interesting.

Frankly, I've decided, this fine election year, to exercise my right not to vote...I despise (perhaps too harsh a word...is loathe better?) the candidates and I refuse to choose between the lesser of two evils. I will inevitably incur a great deal of harassment and disdain from my politically-minded friends and family, but that's the beauty of America...and such is life for those of us who have principles that will not allow us to deny the convictions of our hearts only to play nice with those who have declared their undying allegiance to our jacked-up federal government. I'm not judging...I am merely expressing my frustrations with those who judge me for not being sanctimoniously patriotic. And, who likes playing nice anyway? That is entirely too boring.

Changing the subject, because I can, I am about to confess something I never thought I would have to admit to...but...I am totally addicted to The Apprentice. I know, I know...its reality TV and the end of civilization as we know it, but come on! Those guys are all crazy...especially Donald "Comb-over" Trump. And I am fascinated by the women and their total inability to get along and work together...its survival of the fittest or the nastiest "bi-atch" who is willing to sell out everyone else to Crazy Comb-over guy and and his two menacing side-kicks. This is why, ladies, we always, always, always need MEN around. They kill some of the drama and they're fun to look at.

I realize this blog is one long rabbit-trail, but isn't it really better that way?
Happy Trails!

Some people become extremely distressed and sad when it rains...still others drive absentmindedly and turn 360's across 4 lanes of traffic..but I love the rain. When I was in college, my friend Keith and I used to play in the rain. I went to school in Texas and it hardly ever rained. Ah, but when it did...the air smelled so clean and the big sky was silver and gray with glints of white. I remember one particular day when it was raining so hard, you couldn't see to walk, but we decided to play in the rain anyway and we dragged a bunch of our friends out with us. Keith called it "frolicking" and he did it quite regularly, rain or shine. But that day stands out in my memory as one of the best, not for any particular reason except that we took something potentially frustrating and made it very special.

Now that I am a grown up...ahem...and have put all those childish things behind me to sit behind a boring desk at my boring job and stare out my recessed window at the brick building that obstructs my view of the city, I find myself longing to play in the rain once again...to kick off my shoes, roll up my jeans (thank God for casual Friday) and run through wet grass.

Mostly, though, I think the rain makes me lonely for old friends and dreams. But it also makes me long for adventure, adventure you can only dream about sitting by the window on a rainy day...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the direction I have chosen to go in my life. It seems I find myself at a crossroads. I can go more than just left or right... I can go a million different directions. So, when its late at night and I lay in bed thinking to myself, coming dangerously close to speaking the thoughts aloud, I wonder if there is only, actually, one way to go from here. I've been taught to believe that God has a purpose for my life and I have believed it without question. But does that purpose exclude me making my own choices and decisions. Do I follow the seemingly nonsensical desires of my heart or the practical voice in my head?

Do you see how this could go on for years? How this conversation could consume a person to the extent that he or she doesn't experience anything but fear of making wrong decisions??? I am noticing, since I watch a lot of tv now that I am temporarily a non-student, that Americans have adopted this fear-based mentality that says we have to act in every way defensively. Homeland security is the number one priority. We are afraid; and people act irrationally when they are afraid.

Its worse when you are a Christian and still you behave this way. Its worse for others when the church becomes consumed with protecting itself, its ideals, even its God. There is nothing biblical about self-defense...its natural, yes, but show me one verse where God commands us to defend ourselves no matter what the cost?? We have become hypocrits. The church has a few choices of its own to make, whether we will pursue God's ideal or our own political agendas. We need to determine which o f these aims is line with the teachings of the Bible that we hold in such high esteem.

Is my frustration showing? My choir director used to say, "If the shoe fits, I hope it rubs a blister!"