chasing the sun

we all secretly (or openly) long to be loved for who we truly are. Its as if two desires are constantly at war within me…the desire to be liked and the desire to be known. By making myself known I am risking all that I have and all that I am on the chance that you may find me interesting or not, that you may choose to acknowledge my existence or not, that you may love me or not. But the idea is not whether I should be myself or not, but rather, if I should risk exposure to the elements.

I have heard a lot lately about the goodness of man and how inherently people are kind and good and how we should trust in that. If anything, history has proven that idea to be resoundingly false. People are not inherently good…I am sorry to say…we are rotten. We are flawed, helpless creatures without an ounce of natural-born goodness. But that is the best part. If we understand this about one another, then we can move past posturing and accept that everyone carries a little bit of baggage around with them. I don’t have to worry that I won’t measure up because you’re completely inadequate too. We’re all in the same sorry state of being absolutely wretched.

This is where it gets really good…thankfully, we have a magnificent God who loves us and wants a relationship with us. That is our only hope of being called good. God loves us and wants us and so we are worthy. He sent his son, Jesus to die for us and so we are hopeful. We are indwelled by His Spirit and so we have relationship with Him and we can know Him. And so the fear of being known by a flawed and hopeless you melts away in the face of being desired by such a wonderfully good and gracious God.

And yet, in my soul I long to know you. I long to be known by you and have relationship with you. I believe it is because we are beings created for community, to live in community with one another. We can no longer settle to live so disconnectedly. I don’t want to be separated from you. In your spirit, you cannot deny the desire you have to feel connected to something bigger than yourself. God has put eternity in our hearts – in all hearts. Community can sustain us as we wait for eternity. It is a way of living eternity now. Sacrifices and compromises (in the best sense) have to be made, but living with others will teach you in a way that living alone never could. Besides, with winter fast approaching, we could use the extra body heat!!!

its not bad enough that I'm the absolute clumsiest person I know, but I have to keep proving it over and over again. This weekend I took a huge and embarassingly painful fall while dancing in my socks on my slippery wood floors. While no one was actually present to witness this accursed event, I daresay God was watching and laughing hysterically.

And...to add insult to injury...it is my responsbility as the Lone Ranger office worker to decorate the office for Christmas and I had to do it today. This means hours of getting up on a chair and reaching over my head to try and make the damn Christmas lights stick to the drop-ceiling tiles. AARRGGHH!! (in my best pirate voice)...it has been very painful. Though the office is now in excellent Yuletide form and the sounds of Bing and Nat King Cole have been dreamily sweeping through the office all day, I still feel like I've been run over by a steam-roller. There's not enough ibuprofen in the world!!!

So, if you think of it, light a candle and say a prayer for me. I have to get through not one, but two crowded airports tomorrow. In fact I may call ahead and reserve one of those special golf carts with the yellow flashing lights and the angry driver who yells "'Scuse me, comin thru!" like six hundred times as people scatter to avoid being plowed over like bowling pins...I'd forgotten just how exciting airports can be!!!

i spent an hour riding the bus home from work today and maybe it was because I was so exhausted from lack of sleep, but I was so unbelievably annoyed by the young couple sitting behind me. I have no idea what could have had them in hysterics (may be a bit dramatic) for so long, but I swear they giggled for an entire hour, saying absolutely nothing at all. It is moments like these when I wish I had my headphones, or something else to occupy my attention so I wouldn't be so absorbed in someone else's business.

Anyway, I was so relieved to be getting off at my stop, when who should stand up to follow me out but the couple in question. AHHHHH!!! I walked to the corner and was into a decent jog by the time I crossed the street a good ten feet before reaching the crosswalk. Their laughter grew in intensity and followed me as I ducked into an alley, opting for the darkened shortcut home rather than be subject any longer to their inane nonsense.

By the time I reached my apartment, I was furious...I stormed into my bedroom, threw down my purse and kicked off my shoes. I threw on some comfy clothes (which I always do when I first get home) and reheated some leftover mac and cheese. As I ate and explained to my roommate about the rude couple, I felt utterly ridiculous...

And the moral of this story is: Don't skip meals...it makes you even more cynical than you already are.

I am feeling the onset of the flu today…at least I think it’s the flu. My body hurts, my throat hurts and I am so tired that I stayed home from work. I will still be going to see the new Bridget Jones with my roommate, however. It comes out today. Although, it is possible that seeing that film could worsen my current state of feeling poorly. Mostly because it’s about love and romance and finding your true blah, blah, blah…

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not opposed to all of it. Actually, I’m very much in favor of love and romance and all that. Only, I had hoped that as I got older, I would become more comfortable with that side of myself – the girly-I-want-to-feel-just-like-Juliet side. It seems, though, that as I get older (26, not yet an old-maid I hope), I find myself in the midst of a war between what I want and what I feel comfortable wanting. You can’t fight your feelings, do you know that? They just take over and you can’t make them go away, no matter how hard you try!!! I can’t even pray mine away.

So, I choose the path of least resistance, which is silent acceptance…which is really torture in its basest form if you ask me. The worst of it all is smiling the face of the desperation I feel at not knowing how to be vulnerable, but in the same moment wanting to be. God, I am broken. And so…the world will go on and I will keep getting older and I may never learn how not to be uncomfortable and aloof in relational situations. I may never get to experience the blissful mess that real love can be sometimes.

But I know I am blessed with good friends and family. I want to go places and do things and make a contribution to the world. I want to help people to see things differently and I want to help the church have real and transformational impact for God in this world. I long for life lived in a different way, a meaningful way – I don’t ever want to stop pursuing the wisdom and heart of God…and that’s enough…for now

I watched a special on PBS last night about the two presidential candidates and their respective rises to power. And I realized how ridiculous it is to believe that either of these two geniuses could be the answer to our country's woes. What is it we are hoping to get out of this election?? Security? Peace? Vindication for the past three years of terror alerts and military action? What difference does it make which jackass gets elected? Neither of them have been completely honest about who they are and what their motives are and, unlike my evangelical friends, I tend to think that power, not philanthropy is the driving force behind each of these monstrous political campaigns.

Have you ever seen the rock-opera "Rent" or heard any of the music? Its absolutely fabulous and powerful in a way that I've never known any other musical to be. It touches a deep place in your heart because the emotions expressed in the lyrics are raw and real. The song "Santa Fe" from "Rent" has been running through my head all morning long. And maybe it was the song or the rainy day or the quiet bus ride, but I wanted to run away. I wanted to have the life that is sung about in that song...one of peace and quiet community in a place where I can do what I love to do (whatever that is). I don't want to do the right thing according to mainstream thought...I want to do what Jesus did and taught and commanded. I want it to be more simple than it has been to live a meaningful life before God and I don't want to try and change the system by voting one day out of the year and sitting on my butt in some office doing absolutely nothing to help change the world for the other 364 days!!

Its not enough to just vote, contrary to popular belief. The biggest difference I can make is by loving people actively and intentionally. Political leaders may run the world, but God rules it. He wants so much more for us and yet we ignore His pleas to give up everything we think we need to live good lives and follow Him with reckless abandon. Where is our faith and our courage? Love so that others may be loved and feel loved and so that your heart will not be hardened. And do not be deceived into believing that war can bring peace!!! War at best only brings suppression.

And a challenge to Christians everywhere...God cannot and will not be put in a box, formed in a list, or explained away in any systematic theology. Stop trying to simplify the God of the universe! Stop using His name in vain to promote your political ideologies and personal agendas. I can tell you that a generation is mobilizing to challenge fake complacent Christianity. They accept the Bible as true, Jesus as the only way, the Spirit as living and active, and God as mysterious. "Support Your Local Revolution"