chasing the sun

I discovered this song for the first time at a kind of blah moment in my life…I was living alone and working at a job for which I was frustratingly over-qualified. I rediscovered it today as I ventured for the first time into the Shared Music section of iTunes, a very happy place that I shall visit again. Just reading the words is really not enough. Julie Miller’s style resembles that of Alison Krauss and Patty Griffin. Her childlike voice is haunting, but resolute. And the strings and background vocals add lots of necessary drama.


Broken Things
Julie Miller

You can have my heart
Though it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue

It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the pain away

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life, if you don't mind these tears
Well, I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart

So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through

Then you walked right into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life, if you don't mind these tears
Well, I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart



It’s amazing how songs can sometimes say those things we’re thinking, but can’t put into words. For me, this song was and is very meaningful in that respect. It is hurtful to think about offering my heart, this frail vessel to God because sometimes I just feel so wretched and tired that I want to quit. I can especially identify with trying to fix things myself and having them only end up in a worse state afterwards.

I’m not sure of why he wants them, but I imagine I’ll give him the pieces anyway…

On Saturday, the question was posed to me: “Who are your favorite male movie characters?” (Mary has answered the question on her blog too – [Patrick Swayze -yikes!!!]) Interestingly enough, I had been considering this last week, because I found myself sporadically watching and re-watching a few of my favorite movies. I was trying to figure out exactly what about these movies made me want to watch them over and over.

I can almost always sit down and watch epic stories like Gladiator, Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, etc. And I have to admit, because it will eventually come out, that I also love campier hero movies like National Treasure, The Mummy, and Pirates of the Caribbean - they are light-hearted, but still exude the same themes of loyalty, courage and a romantic sort of swash-buckling. (And I know it’s not real and that real people don’t behave that way and rarely get into situations where they would even have to. But maybe that is part of the appeal.)

I like these movies because they are epic. I like them because they have heroes I can cheer for and love and respect. Joseph Campbell said, “A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.” And I tend to think that is true. To me, this self-less dedication is the essence of what makes a hero, because committing to something like that involves a high amount of risk and the ability to risk is a quality I greatly admire.

Honestly, I think the reason I am so quickly swept up in those epic stories is because I love the heroes – the ones who are obviously flawed, but can overcome those flaws when they must. My heart melts when mere men (and occasionally elves) triumph over sinister foes, including, and most especially, their own fear and trepidation. It’s not the outward showy qualities I like most; no, it’s the inward resolve you see in the eyes of a man who knows he is strong, but keeps his strength hidden just under the surface until it is needed.

So, all things considered, my pick for the top four movie characters to fall in love with are:

1. Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings, Kingdom of Heaven – it doesn’t really matter, I think he’s fabulous!

2. Russell Crowe in Gladiator

3. Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones

4. Oded Fehr in The Mummy

***Special mention for Colin Firth in the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice, it may not be an entirely accurate portrayal of Mr. Darcy, but he is very intense and the transformation is not overdone.

“Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.” C.S. Lewis


Chapter 2: breathing room

When the love I wanted went and got married in the Fall…it was a smallish, sweet ceremony. And I went, as any good friend would, and I hugged them both and wished them luck; and then I ran from the church. (Okay, not “ran” per se, more of a quick, casual walk.) I made it to my car and then to the highway for my 3.5 hour trip back to Dallas. I blared sad, sappy music, playing every CD I owned that reminded me that pain was good and healthy and necessary for growth (ie. Celine Dion & Hope Floats soundtrack). And I cried…God, did I cry…all the way home.

And just like that, it was over. All the worrying and fretting and anxiousness had been squelched. I vowed to move on with my little life and “get over it” as they say. I put the new couple in my rearview mirror and was determined not to look back – ever!

I graduated from college, moved into an apartment with a friend and tried to start forgetting about how things weren’t going how I had planned. But the more I tried to forget, the worse it got. I was melancholy, much moodier than I am now, and sad. And I went to a lot of friends’ weddings. That summer I think I attended 6 weddings, plus a few more the following Fall. I smiled and was happy for them, but for me…well…

I got to thinking that I maybe wasn’t meant to be married. I hadn’t had such good luck with men – trying to figure out what the hell they wanted! And if I wasn’t going to get married, then there was no point in dating…or wanting to date. I worked hard to make myself believe that I didn’t want what I really wanted. It really is a miserable existence. I don’t recommend it.

And the moral of this story is that pain can make you do silly things like listen to Celine Dion over and over and over again. It can drive you to ridiculous ends. Pain is often unrelenting, and completely unavoidable, particularly when you have a big heart that is eager to love and be loved.

Real love is so very existential – you have to give it to know you are getting it. That is not to say that you give love to get love, but you give love to know that you are already being loved. By knowing what it is to love someone else, the true nature and definition of how to best love someone, you can discover for yourself how others may love you.

Complicated, but so pure.

some thoughts on liking, loving, and letting go…


Chapter One: Growing Pains

A long time ago in a far away land, I had very strong feelings of a romantic nature for a man in my acquaintance. Now, while I was assured that he really enjoyed being my friend, the romantic interest was not reciprocated. This experience left me deeply troubled and hurt. I determined that I should not have felt that way about him, because he did not feel that way about me.

It is because I very wrongly associate pain, particularly emotional pain, with sin. If I am hurting then it is because God is punishing me or because I have made some mistake in judgment and brought pain on myself. I should have known better. I should not have gotten myself in this mess. I should not have felt that way…I should not feel…

My friend Allan the Cynic says:

“People want warranties and guaranties. They want to see the end product before they make the purchase. They want the euphoric feelings of “new” to last forever.”

I agree, but I do not think that is all there is to it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something to be good and stay good for a long time, maybe forever. The wrongness is turning your back on that something (or someone) when it is no longer what it was when you started wanting it.

Love is not the stuff of romance or pleasant feelings. Those things represent longing, not necessarily love. And longing is a agonizing uphill climb toward an end you'll never reach...Trying to hold our hopes and desires in tension with the possibility of them never coming true is what really wears us out.

Love is something entirely different. It is a choice. It is a purely inanimate object and we are not subject to it. We have a will strong enough to resist its taunts and intelligence enough to embrace its delights. Those who imagine a grander picture of human, romantic love will be sadly disappointed. It is possible to have a romantic relationship that never once involves LOVE.


…to be continued…