chasing the sun

i owe every smart person in my life an apology for never taking their advice when I should and instead listening to the lonely pangs of my own heart - rather, letting the pangs dictate my steps. That said, a big "HOWDY" and "Hello There!" from Texas, or Tejas, if you will. It's been crazy being back here, living (temporarily) in my parents' home again...watching my second neice be born and open her little eyes for the first time...getting extremely nauseated at the sight of my sister in pain after her Caesarian-section...realizing that all my friends from high-school have gotten married and moved into large homes in the suburbs of Dallas, preparing for their suburban futures. (No offense to other suburbanites who might be reading this, or those who aspire to suburbanitehood...)

All this has helped me see just how much God has planned for me and how unwilling I am to settle for anything less. Though God seems far away here, I know it is not him, but me who needs to move. I thought I would be able to hear His voice more clearly in the desert wasteland that is my hometown, but, alas, my heart is not ready to hear. Maybe it will take forty years or so of dedicated work until I begin to see myself the way He sees me...until I begin to understand His ways even a little bit.

Since I left Chicago, I've come to a few realizations:
1. I want more out of life than to be a wife and mother - don't mistake my meaning, it is a noble calling, but I don't know if it's for me. I feel absolutely no desire to be a mother. And while i hope someday to be someone's wife, other desires overwhelm that loneliness - the desire to be used of God, to seek and pursue justice, to help end poverty and oppression for those who cannot do it alone.

2. The world needs radical idealism. I used to feel so all alone in my dreams for changing the world, until I met others who share my dreams. By them I have been empowered and there is absolutely no going back...right?? Right!! (By the way, have you seen The Constant Gardener?? LOVED IT!!)

3. People need perspective - particularly Americans - that is global and outside of themselves. They need, more than anything, to see that there is more to this life than just their small worlds. I am always amazed how much people in England know about their world and how little Americans know, or care to know. We can no longer choose to ignore the international community.

4. Finally, on a more personal level, I've realized that I am stubborn, hypocritcal, and weak. All these things seem more pronounced in this environment where it is impossible for me to hide anything personal from those around me. I think that is why it is so difficult to grow up and come home again. You are not the same and your family does not know you. Getting to know them again is humbling and painful and taking all my patience. I love them and they love me and we're getting on each other's nerves a lot.

This is a long entry - sorry...but not really sorry, since this is my blog after all.


Currently Reading: The Historian, Elizabeth Kostova; LSAT Review & Practice Tests
Currently Watching: The Constant Gardener, Ralph Fiennes & Rachel Weisz
Currently Listening: From the Ground Up, Antigone Rising