chasing the sun

it's friday here in the land of cowboy hats and twin-cab trucks and I'm at work - which I think is ridiculous considering it is the day after Thanksgiving and no one is calling or needing my assistance in any way - but it gives me time to post some new insight into the mundane, so it can't be all bad, right?

I had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which I always do, and promised myself yet again that one day I'd actually be in New York to see it in person...and I'll stand beside Al Roker as he interviews people on the street and tell him how by being there I am checking off another thing on my "To Do Before I Die" list. Then I helped my mom make a meal that could have fed 20 more people than the 20 we actually had in our home last night. I was only allowed to do menial tasks (ie chopping fruit, cutting up eggs, setting the tables) because, honestly, I don't think my mother will trust me to help with the cooking until I have a husband and can legitimately call myself a woman.

After my drunk and stupid sister had made a spectacle of herself and left and most everyone else had gone home, I sat in the living room with my parents and another couple we've known for years and let the husband go on and on about how his faith had been reformed by some pretty weird things. I tried to be patient and understanding as he baited me with proof texts and scripture taken out of context and his knowledge of systematic theology. This is the man, incidently, who used to be a pastor and actually performed my parents' wedding ceremony. Is there a way to tell someone they are crazy without being disrespectful?

Anyway, I'm tired and still full and wondering why I came back here. I feel so crazy, like I might jump in my awesome car and drive until I can't drive anymore just to escape this uncomfortable life I'm living. I know it is a means to something else and that it is temporary, but Dang! Is home always the hardest place to be? I feel like it should be the safest, most comforting place, but I'm the strong one in my family and I'm feeling the weight of trying to solve everyone else's problem while trying to deal with my own issues and demons all alone. How do you be someone else's strength when you have none of your own? Can you even do that?

I don't want people in my church asking me theological questions because I went to Bible college or because I have a Master's degree. I don't want my mom to need me so much when I need her to be strong and she can't be what I need. I don't want to not be able to talk sanely to my sister who is crazy and strung out while her baby gets shuffled around like a piece of lost luggage. And mostly, I feel as though I'm being selfish and needy about all of it. Shouldn't I want to help people, even if they are my mom or my childhood Sunday School teacher?

Why am I responding like this...I don't understand me at this moment, which I guess is nothing new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the law lately…how do we know what law is, what it means. Where does it come from? I would say it comes from God, but some laws don’t come from God, so does that mean the law as we know it didn’t come from God, but from man? And does that mean that justice can be defined more than one way? I think there’s God’s justice and then there’s man’s justice.

Man’s justice says that if you’re unhappy with the way someone is running their country you can demand that they change it - and if they don’t change it, you can bomb the hell out of them until they surrender or agree with you. God’s justice? Well, that’s where I get confused because some of God’s followers would tell me that God wants the tyrants thrown down and the “evil-doers” destroyed, but I think what is really at stake here is not the reputation or justice of God, but the pride and self-righteousness of man and his law.

Didn’t God say he would sort it all out in the end? Shouldn’t we have faith that he will overthrow evil? Is it really up to us to rid the world of evil? Or, is it that we should spend our time opening doors for others to know and believe in Jesus? Yes, we seek justice for the oppressed, not by violence – never by violence – but by our words, our deeds, our sweat and our compassion.

I agree with my sister Mary – Christians spend so much time defending themselves that they don’t really know who they are anymore. America is not the new Israel, folks, I promise. Jesus is not our President and he doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t want our votes, he wants much more – heart, mind, strength, will…It’s easy to vote, it’s much harder to love the person who doesn’t vote the same as you.

Some Christians think that limiting people’s freedoms and choices will some how please God because why? Because then the world will be a less sinful place? Because that will mean that all of a sudden all those gays and lesbians who would’ve gotten married will see the light and start attending an evangelical church? Why do you push an agenda when you should be reaching out to those people you’re waging political wars against?

The beauty of obedience and love is choice…it’s choosing to be with someone when you have a million other places you could be…it’s laying down your pride and self interest and sinful inclinations and choosing a better way, a better path. Choice is what makes faith genuine and something only God can truly know the depths of, I am convinced.

May I choose to spend my life defending not myself or my own rights and self-interests, but the rights and interests of those who, because of poverty, abuse and neglect, are ignored by the larger part of our society. May I live to speak for those who have no voice and to fight for true justice, not because it is politically correct or democratic, but because it is kind, good and compassionate.


And miles to go before I sleep…