“It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.”
-Pope John XXIII
My interim pastor (and I call him that because I have yet to place membership at his church, not because he’s temporary in any way) has been preaching about the Missing Pieces of the Heart and last Sunday he spoke about peace – this is not shalom style peace you practice, but the inner peace you feel. I love his sermons – the way his mind works and the way he fully develops things instead of watering them down.
Anyway, I’ve been hashing this peace element out with my roommates and in my own thoughts. My spirit is in a constant state of disruption. I don’t know that I’ve felt true peace in a while and I think my brain and heart have stopped communicating for some reason. I never thought that could really happen, but it has. My roommate was asking how you open up your heart so that it can be preached to. I told her it was by being vulnerable with others and with God and with yourself, but I don’t even know if that works.
How do you get the truth you hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and even sometimes speak from your own lips to permeate the walls around your heart??
For me, I sense there is this wall that keeps everything that even hints at the possibility of someday being in the least bit heart-wrenching out. I’ve become very good at keeping things out, but have no idea what got me to that place, why, or how to reverse the effects. And then sometimes I cry for reasons I can’t understand. Things bother me deeply and I don’t know why. For someone like me who seeks consistently to be self-aware and balanced, this is very distressing.
My thoughts have been so shallow lately. I am not being challenged or changed in the core of myself. But I am also not seeking out challenges. I’m sitting on the bank of the river, afraid to get back in the water because I nearly drown last time. No one really engages my soul anymore – or else I don’t let them.
What happened between then and now?
When was then?
-Pope John XXIII
My interim pastor (and I call him that because I have yet to place membership at his church, not because he’s temporary in any way) has been preaching about the Missing Pieces of the Heart and last Sunday he spoke about peace – this is not shalom style peace you practice, but the inner peace you feel. I love his sermons – the way his mind works and the way he fully develops things instead of watering them down.
Anyway, I’ve been hashing this peace element out with my roommates and in my own thoughts. My spirit is in a constant state of disruption. I don’t know that I’ve felt true peace in a while and I think my brain and heart have stopped communicating for some reason. I never thought that could really happen, but it has. My roommate was asking how you open up your heart so that it can be preached to. I told her it was by being vulnerable with others and with God and with yourself, but I don’t even know if that works.
How do you get the truth you hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and even sometimes speak from your own lips to permeate the walls around your heart??
For me, I sense there is this wall that keeps everything that even hints at the possibility of someday being in the least bit heart-wrenching out. I’ve become very good at keeping things out, but have no idea what got me to that place, why, or how to reverse the effects. And then sometimes I cry for reasons I can’t understand. Things bother me deeply and I don’t know why. For someone like me who seeks consistently to be self-aware and balanced, this is very distressing.
My thoughts have been so shallow lately. I am not being challenged or changed in the core of myself. But I am also not seeking out challenges. I’m sitting on the bank of the river, afraid to get back in the water because I nearly drown last time. No one really engages my soul anymore – or else I don’t let them.
What happened between then and now?
When was then?
1 comments:
"No one really engages my soul anymore" ...don't worry Jenn, I am back from my travels now. Ha, just kidding. I too am learning that life really is like a garden, the soul, the heart, the mind, relationships, really anything that matters needs to be nurtured and watered and worked at to produce life giving stuff. And this, I think, is critical as the natural inclination of the human condition is towards death not life.
But what do I know...I’m just a pork chop.
Oh and a serious dose of Sunshine helps too!
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