chasing the sun

well, well...since last we spoke I have received two more letters from law schools - one was a rejection letter, so we won't speak of that school by name, but the other (in e-mail form) was an acceptance letter.

Can you frickin' believe it!!! I had so doubted that I would get accepted anywhere, that I was in complete and utter shock at the sight of it in my Inbox. I almost did a little dance in my glass cubicle at work, but thought better of it. And the best part is that it was from the school that offers the program that I was most interested in.

I know, I know, you want to know which school...

It's the University at Buffalo Law School, better known SUNY, in sunny Buffalo, New York and it is a really good school, from what I hear. The program they have is called Affordable Housing and Community Development Law. If I could design a law program that suited my passions perfectly, that is most likely what I would call it.

But I am hesistating to say "yes" because my family, rather than supporting me in this journey to a place far, far away from home, is being very bratty about the whole thing. They want me to wait until I hear something from the other Texas school to which I applied so that I can stay close. But I'm about 100% sure that the school for me is in Buffalo.

It is scary enough moving to a place where you don't know anyone and where you have little or no outside support. Their lack of enthusiasm is causing me to doubt what I really feel is the right thing to do. I know ultimately the decision is mine, and I have no problem making it. But instead of feeling good about it, I will mostly like doubt myself and feel guilty for leaving.

Sometimes I think that all the ties I have with my family are completely detrimental and unhealthy. I have to move on or I will never move on...does that make sense?

If I don't do this, I will regret it. I know I will.

Jesus, come quickly!

I applied to 5 law schools – with high hopes and the belief that God’s will would be done in the situation. My LSAT score was about average, but my grades are really good and so I thought I had pretty good chances of being accepted.

Friday I got my first letter from one of the schools to which I applied. It started, “I regret to inform you….”

And though it was the school I thought I was least likely to get in to, my heart sank a little. The fears I keep repeating over and over again in my head surfaced again – fear that I won’t get accepted anywhere and that I’ll have to go back to drawing board – fear that I’m really pursuing my own interests and not God’s – fear of total and complete rejection.

I guess all I can do is wait and see.

In the meantime, I am finishing up at my job at the physical therapy clinic. Those folks are great – and they keep going on and on about how much they are going to miss having me around (which could be because I am currently doing about 6 different jobs).

Actually, one of my coworkers paid me one of the best compliments I have ever received. She said that she appreciated the way that I was kind to everyone, no matter what they looked like. If I wasn’t so tough, I might have cried. I was speechless. What do you say to that??? I managed a weak, “Thank You” and felt completely humbled.

It has been a long time since I worked, on a regular basis, with non-Christians. It has been 7 months and still I vent my frustrations at inappropriate moments. I know I say wrong things and that I don’t speak the truth enough.

I try to give input when people have problems, but there are other Christians there who are always shouting “Praise the Lord” then being bitchy and unkind; and there are Christians there who are Republicans first and Christians second. People I am close to know I am a Christian, but everyone in Texas is a Christian. We’re born and raised in church.

I talk about Africa a lot (since I’m going again in May – woo hoo!!!) and why I am going and why I want to go to law school.

But still, I am not very brave when it comes to Christianity and I feel ashamed of that. I should have told my coworker why I try hard to treat everyone kindly, but I chickened out. Being outside the Christian bubble is not easy for me – and it’s even difficult admitting that. I want to not do evangelism in a formulaic way, but it is almost like I cannot imagine another way to do it.

Why is it so easy for some people and so difficult for others?