chasing the sun

today, I feel old. Not “Oh! My aching bones!” old, but old in my soul.

I love this feeling. It’s those times when I feel most connected to the past and when I miss my grandmother so much it hurts. I imagine her sometimes, calling me just to talk about my day, asking me why it’s been so long since I’ve visited and wondering when I’m planning on settling down and having a family. If ever I had a biggest fan, it would be her…it was her until she passed away.

My friend Bethy recently visited a 15th century Orthodox monastery. And as I looked at her pictures of the place and read the sweet story of her visit, a mad feeling swept over me. It’s the same feeling I feel when I think about my grandmother – a nostalgia and longing that churns my stomach and enlivens me all at once.

It’s the same “old” feeling I get when I listen to Dean Martin, Diana Krall, or anything Gershwin, or when I start reading a new book…the same volatility, the same giddiness. Some days, like today, the feeling is overpowering.

Maybe it’s because I’m a romantic and I love to see how everything, past and present, fits into the Grand Scheme of things…it’s like feeling that you have a small part in a long story, which I realize is a touch dramatic, but then so am I.

Today, I want to be wistful. I want to think about the future as if it were the past and be grateful for a rich, long life full of love, joy, and hard selfless work. Today, I want to dance with my husband the kitchen of our first apartment. I want to pack up the kids and go to my parent’s house for Christmas Eve. I want to be a grandmother calling my granddaughter to ask about her day and encourage her to come by for a visit.

Today, that seems like pure bliss…