Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.
Wisely improve the present. It is thine.
Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
At the request of a dear friend, I started reading a book called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Its one of those books I put off reading because everyone was reading it and I typically shy away from doing things that everyone is doing…but my friend was so excited about it, so I picked it up in a bookstore last weekend and have been making my way through it.
The good doctors have made me think a lot about my own boundaries, which, I guess, was the point of their writing the book in the first place. I like it because they ask the question of why boundaries are faulty or non-existent. They also give possible, and, in my case, accurate, reasons why boundaries may have become such an issue. For me, I think, I was brought up in a home where I was not allowed to assert myself, my wants or my own boundaries if they conflicted with those of my parents. Any confrontation ended in harsh responses or manipulation or the withdrawal of love by both of my parents. Good girls obey and do as they’re told and they don’t talk back or disagree with their parents…and I was, for the most part, a good girl. I became afraid that if I didn’t do what people wanted me to do or asked me to do, then they would not love me; and I desperately wanted to be loved.
I still desperately want to be loved.
This realization is not new for me, but the idea that this has led to a lot of the personal issues I struggle with is a recent discovery. The pursuit of love is a constant motivation for me. Much as I try to pretend that I don’t care if people are upset with me or don’t like me or disagree with me, it’s usually all I can think about when it happens. I am not comfortable with my own desires or wants; and I cannot voice them readily, even to those I love. I was taught, like many people were, that neediness is weakness and that weakness is bad. And yet I have these needs for relationship and love, but I am terrified to ask someone to love me or to relate those desires because I don’t want to be rejected.
The worst of it is that I have blamed God for these things, for the sins and failings of my parents and for my reckless behavior in response to it. It is so difficult for me to understand that God loves me. I don’t know if I have ever or could ever feel loved by Him or anyone else. I am so insecure, always doubting the heart of God and the hearts of others.
I have feebly asked God to help me to feel loved and even provided Him with the ways in which He could do it (ie. Give me a godly husband as soon as possible). But I think that God knows that if He were to give me a husband now, that I would worship the husband and not God. I hate that that is true, but in my heart, I know it is.
I can’t see yet how all of this is going to work itself out or if it’s even supposed to. I’m not morose or pessimistic about these things, which puzzles me. Instead I feel ready for the challenge, for some hard work in these areas.
I’ll keep you posted…
Wisely improve the present. It is thine.
Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
At the request of a dear friend, I started reading a book called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Its one of those books I put off reading because everyone was reading it and I typically shy away from doing things that everyone is doing…but my friend was so excited about it, so I picked it up in a bookstore last weekend and have been making my way through it.
The good doctors have made me think a lot about my own boundaries, which, I guess, was the point of their writing the book in the first place. I like it because they ask the question of why boundaries are faulty or non-existent. They also give possible, and, in my case, accurate, reasons why boundaries may have become such an issue. For me, I think, I was brought up in a home where I was not allowed to assert myself, my wants or my own boundaries if they conflicted with those of my parents. Any confrontation ended in harsh responses or manipulation or the withdrawal of love by both of my parents. Good girls obey and do as they’re told and they don’t talk back or disagree with their parents…and I was, for the most part, a good girl. I became afraid that if I didn’t do what people wanted me to do or asked me to do, then they would not love me; and I desperately wanted to be loved.
I still desperately want to be loved.
This realization is not new for me, but the idea that this has led to a lot of the personal issues I struggle with is a recent discovery. The pursuit of love is a constant motivation for me. Much as I try to pretend that I don’t care if people are upset with me or don’t like me or disagree with me, it’s usually all I can think about when it happens. I am not comfortable with my own desires or wants; and I cannot voice them readily, even to those I love. I was taught, like many people were, that neediness is weakness and that weakness is bad. And yet I have these needs for relationship and love, but I am terrified to ask someone to love me or to relate those desires because I don’t want to be rejected.
The worst of it is that I have blamed God for these things, for the sins and failings of my parents and for my reckless behavior in response to it. It is so difficult for me to understand that God loves me. I don’t know if I have ever or could ever feel loved by Him or anyone else. I am so insecure, always doubting the heart of God and the hearts of others.
I have feebly asked God to help me to feel loved and even provided Him with the ways in which He could do it (ie. Give me a godly husband as soon as possible). But I think that God knows that if He were to give me a husband now, that I would worship the husband and not God. I hate that that is true, but in my heart, I know it is.
I can’t see yet how all of this is going to work itself out or if it’s even supposed to. I’m not morose or pessimistic about these things, which puzzles me. Instead I feel ready for the challenge, for some hard work in these areas.
I’ll keep you posted…
1 comments:
I told you my initial reaction after skimming this post, but after re-reading it, I'm even more impressed by the thought and honesty you put into it, Jenn. I think this could be a great thesis for at least an article... maybe even a book. Unfortunately I don't think it would sell like the feel-good crap that most young adult Christian literature touches on. Maybe if you could change it to be a positive "everybody has a perfect God-made match and God will deliver that person to your front door and life will be perfect in the suburbs" you could get a deal with Zondervan...
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