chasing the sun

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. –“Josh Billings” (aka. Henry Wheeler Shaw)


I’d like to preface the following by saying that I am a verbal processor. When things happen to me or around me, as I learn and experience new and different things, I feel a strong need to talk about them or else I feel I never really resolve the issues in my head. Needless to say I have great difficulty keeping my big mouth shut…

Anyway, in the past few days I have come face to face with some interesting truths about myself:

1) When I don’t get enough to eat or enough sleep I should not be around other people. I feel sorry for my roommates and coworkers who have had to endure the brunt of my low blood sugar rages and my sleep-deprived crankiness.

2) I am not as self-aware as I would like to think I am. In fact, I can be hugely hypocritical and I often misspeak and repeat things that might not actually be true, even going so far as to defend them when pressed rather than admitting I’m full of it. Are we sure I shouldn’t be a lawyer??

3) I have immense problems yielding when I think I am right. I always knew I was stubborn, but the way I’ve been acting lately shows a complete inability on my part to back down from sometimes pointless and, in the end, meaningless arguments. Why can’t I just say, “Whatever! In the end, what we’re arguing about doesn’t even matter and if you want to be right, go ahead, even at my expense!”?

4) I am not a good encourager. I can easily point out bad and/or negative things people do and even try to stop them from making egregious mistakes like making their chocolate chip cookies too chocolate-chippy or not keeping track of their expenditures in a physical check register…But it is really difficult for me to see someone doing something that they, by all accounts, should be doing and then praise them for it. Yet most people I’ve talked to about this have said that praise, encouragement and compliments are necessary. It’s possible that I just don’t ever audibly appreciate the good qualities in others, at least not to their faces. I might tell other people what I like about them, but I think I am very unlikely to say it directly to them. I still don’t know why that is.


All of this reflection leaves me quite uneasy. I feel like I don’t have anywhere to go with it all and its just swimming around in my over-active brain. It’s really hard to live in the moment, in the midst of change, knowing that the transition is and will continue to be painful. I want to run and escape and I am suffering from huge withdrawals without my iPod.

Not much is making sense right now, except the bad things...

what do you call a week like this?

I have been elated, frustrated, tired, angry…the whole gamut of emotions has been mine to experience.

Sunday was a brilliant day – a good cup of coffee, a great sermon and an hilarious lunch complete with good food and sparkling conversation…Monday was even better – the day off work so that I could hang out at Africa Revolution and update iTunes on my computer. That evening, I watched 24 (my new favorite show) and ate a terrific meal, then played cards and smoked hookah with my roommate and some friends.

Tuesday was when it sort of went downhill – the Blue Line has been running slow due to instability on the tracks (scary, I know) so, despite the nice weather, I was fifteen minutes late to work. Then, at work, people kept coming to me to correct mistakes I’d made and then I mailed out four separate packages to one person that had to be sent again for a grand total of eight packages, eight mailing labels and four certified mailers. To top it off, I had to stay late to do it thanks to an exasperating attorney. I thought things would get better when I went to workout, but I dropped my iPod and it freaked out and quit working. I’ve been troubleshooting for the past three days and it still just shows the little apple icon to me, taunting me like a little girl with her tongue stuck out, refusing to budge an inch. I rely heavily on that thing to get me through my increasingly monotonous workouts, but alas, it will not cooperate.

Wednesday started out much like Tuesday and I was worried I was going to have to jump out a window. The first moments I was in the office, another attorney took it upon herself to point out a mistake I’d made back in October, and warned me, ever so politely, to be careful not to repeat it. It’s basically just her being upset because something wasn’t where it was supposed to be and looking for someone to blame and/or get mad at about it. Luckily, that someone was me. The day did get better, however. I had Chipotle for lunch and registered Africa Revolution NFP with the county on my lunch break, which is a huge step for us as an organization – so woo-hoo. I finished up the day by washing every dirty dish in my kitchen, doing some laundry, and making a fabulous and healthy dinner.

So, what does Thursday hold? We’ll see, I guess. Grey’s Anatomy comes on tonight and I think I might go out afterwards.

You know, I really hate “working for the weekend.” I don’t think this is the life God meant for us before the fall. And I am starting to feel the strain of working a job just to pay the bills as opposed to working at a full-time job to which I can devote my life and time with complete assurance that what I am doing has eternal value.

My heart is with the Revolution, but the rest of me is stuck trudging to the platform at Western every morning, waiting for the Blue Line train that may never come…

I am loving the 16th century Latin mottoes. I found a web page full of them…

I have always (ALWAYS) clung to the understanding that I am a “be-er” by nature and not a “do-er”! What I mean is that I am much better at learning about things than I am at actually doing them. I think I’ve probably mentioned this a time or two right here in the blog, but the truth of it has been resounding in my brain for the past few months.

And I have been satisfied with this constant state of learning and expanding my knowledge for the sake of making me a better human, Christian, guitar player, or whatever. Lately, though, I have been challenged to put my knowledge to the test and to really do something about the evils and injustices in the world which I can define and describe, but have yet to tackle. And, do you know, I don’t think I really like it.

It’s hard to put your money, time and energy where your mouth is. It sucks and no one knows how the right way is to do it so there’s no book I can read or class I can take that can tell you in what order the steps have to go. There is no right way…and I have never felt so helpless in my life. I never knew how much I depended on structure to show off my gifts and abilities. In a structured environment, I thrive, but in a place where I have to create my own infrastructure? Forget it.

I make mistakes…big ones…and I am a disappointment to my colleagues. I lose heart and will to act because I don’t know what the next step is supposed to be. Why, oh why, hasn’t someone written this crap down? I’ll tell you why, because they are all doers, that’s why. They’re so busy doing life and ministry, that they’ve got no time to sit and write a step-by-step manual for me.

Alas, I am left to my own intelligence and creativity (which is being severely hampered by the damn Chicago frickin’ freezing winter weather).