After spending the better part of the weekend trying to cram all I believe about God, Jesus, and theology into 9 neatly typed pages of doctrinal statements, I am feeling tired and confused. I feel like I should grow from this experience, but all they’re really asking me to do is some basic proof-texting so I can make a theological point about what the Bible says about salvation, angels, and the apocalypse…
This does not make me feel like I have a good handle on things…Instead, I’m once again filled with doubt and questions I can’t ask, let alone answer.
It all seems so final, so absolute, to put on paper my thoughts about God and to declare to the powers that be that this is what I believe. It is almost too much (I’m so dramatic, I know), but I can’t help thinking that no one should be asked to do this. And more so, because I worry about the people who can easily rattle off a pristine answer to these deep theological, spiritual and completely personal questions.
I believe God’s grace is sufficient, even for my endless doubts and stupid, nonsensical questions. That’s what makes me feel like I don’t have to have all the answers, and I really don’t appreciate the value of being forced to come up with the answers I have not yet discovered.
Obviously, I have commitment issues…obviously, I’m too critical…and obviously, I am rebellious and I don’t like being forced to do anything, but as I grow to understand how relational God really is, it becomes more and more difficult for me to use typical Christian verbiage to describe or explain Him. All the theological terms and overused clichés seem trite and not enough. I want to learn to think and speak more holistically about faith in God, not by rejecting any essential truth, but by being deeply committed to real, organic spiritual understanding and transformation.
I guess this is what emergence is…feeling like you’re on the verge of something new and more tangible than the old way of doing things and thinking about things…not necessarily better, just more actual…it’s the ability to rest in the grace of God
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i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
3 comments:
Did you speak more holistically in your doctrine statement? Did you totally believe the statements you wrote? What do you feel is left unsaid? Definately a challenging assignment. Do you wish a deep understanding of theology would be more than just an assignment in the christian life, for those who claim to be believers? How would followers get to that point? Good Bible teaching? Sincere soul searching? Expereinceing life and minsitry? Fellowship? Being in God's presence? Stating the obvious I reckon doctine statements are written from where we stand on belief, and that always progresses or degresses in our journey, bar the eternal truths that will never change, no matter who grasps them or not. Our understanding is never taken as scripture. I totally avoid being in the presence of God for some obscure reason, and I'm at a stand still - I could only write a functional doctrine statement right now - but one I'd definately believe... Humans are unbelievable. Could you send me over a copy of them if you can be bothered some time?
I've changed my blog address from www.bethsmithmarko.blogspot to www.bethsmithmorrison.blogspot.com
I'm still working on them, but I'll send you a pdf when I'm done. I'm putting off everything to do them...everything except updating my blog...
Hey Gin
Hope everything went well. Thinking and praying for you sista.
I've been listening to a little country,...yeah I know. I know many stories about woman who leave, crops that fail, trucks that break down and dogs that die. And I know one about a bbq stain on a white t-shirt. I'm a gettin en edge-a-cation.
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