chasing the sun

There’s nothing left to worry about, at least that’s how I feel. I’m finished with my Master’s degree, so now it’s on to the next, I guess. I feel weird. I’ve been sleeping extremely well since I turned in my last paper…a sign that my body is finally relaxing, I hope. But I’ve been in sort of haze all day, not really engaging well in conversation, kind of frantic. It is times like these that give me the sensation of being all alone in the world with just my thoughts for company.

Do you love yourself? Is it even right that we should love ourselves? Sometimes I think that is the most ridiculous idea, but so much of how we view the world is tainted by our own views and misconceptions of ourselves. I was speaking to a friend today and she thinks I might have a slight problem in that area – loving myself – I mean.

It’s so hurtful to my pride to admit that I am insecure, but it’s worse when I think others can actually tell how insecure and scared I really am. Honestly, I feel most days like I’m the only one cheering for me. I don’t have a problem actually communicating my feelings to others. It’s the uneasy, unsettled feeling I get every time I’m the least bit vulnerable with someone, like I want their approval or immediate acceptance and understanding of what I’ve just shared with them. There’s a lot of doubt and distrust in my mind, even in my close relationships.

I think I must frustrate God, if He does get frustrated. I feel like Gideon, who kept putting out the fleece. I remember hearing that bible story (its in Judges) and thinking that Gideon was either really brave or really stupid. That’s how I feel about the future. The decisions I have made about my future are either really brave or really stupid; and I can’t tell which. I’m afraid that if I let go of what I have, there may not be anything better waiting for me.

Isn’t that silly?