chasing the sun

I have been thinking a lot lately about the direction I have chosen to go in my life. It seems I find myself at a crossroads. I can go more than just left or right... I can go a million different directions. So, when its late at night and I lay in bed thinking to myself, coming dangerously close to speaking the thoughts aloud, I wonder if there is only, actually, one way to go from here. I've been taught to believe that God has a purpose for my life and I have believed it without question. But does that purpose exclude me making my own choices and decisions. Do I follow the seemingly nonsensical desires of my heart or the practical voice in my head?

Do you see how this could go on for years? How this conversation could consume a person to the extent that he or she doesn't experience anything but fear of making wrong decisions??? I am noticing, since I watch a lot of tv now that I am temporarily a non-student, that Americans have adopted this fear-based mentality that says we have to act in every way defensively. Homeland security is the number one priority. We are afraid; and people act irrationally when they are afraid.

Its worse when you are a Christian and still you behave this way. Its worse for others when the church becomes consumed with protecting itself, its ideals, even its God. There is nothing biblical about self-defense...its natural, yes, but show me one verse where God commands us to defend ourselves no matter what the cost?? We have become hypocrits. The church has a few choices of its own to make, whether we will pursue God's ideal or our own political agendas. We need to determine which o f these aims is line with the teachings of the Bible that we hold in such high esteem.

Is my frustration showing? My choir director used to say, "If the shoe fits, I hope it rubs a blister!"