I feel peaceful and forlorn today…maybe it’s because I’m tired and out of energy. I could use a good nap or a long vacation. Mostly, though, I think my heart is broken.
Not to worry, no romance has gone awry; it’s just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It’s not because I have lost anything, or because I have been sinned against. No. It’s the death of “me”-ness. The fog of self-absorption that has controlled my thinking for the last few months is dissipating, clearing a path and making visible the world around me. But I miss it…in a sick and twisted way… I miss the comfort of being on the fringes of my life and I no longer having any sort of excuse for not participating.
It feels both very pleasant and almost horrifying.
It comes in waves, doesn’t it?
Brilliance – emotion – enlightenment – oppression – grace - compassion.
They cycle through me like seasons, taking me from below freezing temperatures to sunny days without a moment’s notice.
What happens now, God? Now that you’ve saved me from myself and slapped some sense back into my wandering heart and mind?
Do you ever feel like you’ve come just so far and you are reaching out and you are poised, ready to leap, when something…an unseen force of grace and wisdom…holds you back, whispering words like “patience” and “trust” in your ear?
There was no peace before this peace
There was not love before this love
Maybe tomorrow, or the next day, when I settle back down to earth and I’m thinking clearly again, I’ll forget how I feel right at this moment, free and still in my soul. But for now I wait and pray, as often as I remember to, for the next step.
I think He knows and He’s waiting, waiting to see if I’m serious this time, if I’m really ready for what I am asking Him to show me.
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about me
i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
4 comments:
You sound hopeful and calm. All I can think of - albeit Biblical - is "hidden in the shadow of the Almighty". From experience and from undoubted faith I know that He will lead towards all He desires and will be so provident in all that you go through. Gonna go write a blog... lol Beth
I told Allan yesterday that I think God is crazy always forgiving me and caring for me even though I don't deserve it...how is it that once you do the thing you dread because you think it will be entirely too painful, God meets you on the other side, patting your back and welcoming you to the place He's been hoping you'd show up...
Don't even know how we get there Jenn - except it must be similar to a river running down to the sea. God only knows! Forgiveness - I ask myself all the time whether or not I'm forgiven... It's all true though - God's meeting us there. I don't get it at all, but I find - that mind and spirit and heart I just can't flee. Sometimes I think - I should try living in the real world a bit more! I'm in it though - the reality bites part I think. I look forward to being freer with light heartedness and the cooler things of this life - like hip hop and humor - but I can't complain when the joy kicks in and the eternal pull makes my heart return to Him. I don't do that too well mind you... this journeys going to be fun Jenn - all the way!
Just dropping by. Hope you do not mind me commenting. I just wanted to comment on your post. I think God forgives anyone as long as they just ask. After all, God never pushes his way into someones life, you have to ask him. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come in to to him and dine with him and he with me" Rev 3:20.
It doesn't say I stand at the door and push my way in, it says I stand at the door and knock. I think God wants to be in every person's life but He has to be invited. I like you blog,
Conserve Terms.
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