chasing the sun

At some level, I am a very confident, though perhaps not entirely carefree young woman - I say “young” because it makes me feel better about my 26-and-still-single status. Yet it is strange how much of my life is lived out only in my head and not in experience or interaction. I live in my spirited brain – only emerging for church on Sundays and the occasional encounter with friends. Then its time to go back, time to retreat to Jenntown where all of life’s questions are asked and answered and the battle of the will rages on uninterrupted.

I realized this weird living situation I’ve grown accustomed to when my body stopped working right.

On Monday, I mustered all my earthly tenacity and proceeded to torture my lazy self with a strenuous, but much-needed workout. Tuesday, I realized what a mistake I had made, but it was too late to back out since you have to burn the lactic acid out of sore muscles; so, I went for a little jog in the park. Today, my legs are stiff and unyielding in my attempts to use them in the normal way, so I’ve adopted a sort of Tin-Man-like stagger. Stairs are particularly difficult to negotiate.

This physical anguish has caused me to rethink some very personal things, like why I’m so uncomfortable being needy. I understand that I need help, that I can’t do life on my own, but I rather think that should be something that only God and I know. But my roommate and my co-workers have had to help me a lot these past two days, because, well, I’m just slow – and that makes me feel needy and dependent, which I detest.

The worst is that I put it off on them, uttering things like, “Oh I’m so sorry to inconvenience you” “I’m so sorry you have to do this and that for me.” The thing is, they never beefed about it or got upset. It was me and my uncomfortably needy self and my messed up brain-living that tries to make it seem like it’s not me who is uneasy about me, but them…but it’s really me!!!

All of this only confirms that I am, in fact, my mother’s child…