“In other words, fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.” -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I think a lot…probably too much. Lately it seems that thinking is all I do…read a little, think a little, read a little, think a little (cheep-cheep-cheep) think a lot, read a little more…[fans of the Music Man will appreciate that little throw-back to Broadway – sorry, I recently watched the Tony Awards and couldn’t resist]. Anyway, I am most definitely on my way to becoming a bona fide hermit. I think I’ve successfully pushed the need for human contact to the very end of my priority list right below visiting the dentist and starting a retirement fund.
I’ve been such a grouch lately too…the past few weeks have been dreary and I am feeling very melancholy and cantankerous (Don’t you love that word? It sounds so dramatic and romantic and I am rambling on and on about very little.). So, I think I am grouchy because school is over and I no longer have an outlet for my intellectual energy. Also, a friend of mine from Dallas was in town for only a few hours and left before I was ready for him to leave. And I am feeling strongly that my time in Chicago is coming to an end and I am definitely pulling away.
Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Shouldn’t I being trying to spend my time here doing productive and fruitful things that ensure that those with whom I interact are left with fond and pleasing memories. Rather, I think, in a few months time they will have forgotten me completely – okay, okay, I know this is drama…
Honestly, I feel like God is punishing me. And I’m being serious when I say that. I feel like He is angry with me for my sins, my lack of faith, and my continual imperfectness. I’m going to church tomorrow, but probably only because my aunt and uncle are in town and want to go with me. What a rebel I am! Only I can’t find the strength to surrender just yet and that only makes me feel worse.
I want out of this skin. I want a do-over – to be someone else, someone better than I am being.
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about me
i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
3 comments:
1.)cantankerous is a GREAT word!!!
2.) God might be punishing you...coz He knows deep down you are a Republican. (kidding...gosh.)
3.)jenn, jenn, jenn....we love you as you are friend. No one will forget about you.. in fact we are going to have to all jump in the Gospel Express and take a road trip to Big Sky country. Be sure, i'll be packin lead when I come out there. Yeeehawh (okay...haven't quite nailed the accent)
I think God can't get enough of you, Jen. I think he thinks you are adorable. Sweet one, don't stay in those thoughts that you are unloved or even the ones not mentioned that you are unloveable. Little Hermit, come out, come out, come out...your friends desire for you to see yourself through their eyes. My pastor said we need community to find one's true identity. Be around some people, let them love on you. We will hope for you good things. We will hope for you when you are not able. I promise outlets for intellectual energy will come on other days. Be with people, Jen. Let them do life with you.
i like who you are, jenn. who you are is what draws me to you.
i like that you think so much.
i like that you like the sound of words.
i like that you discuss your behaviors.
i like that you slide from the dramatic to reality to the dramatic. it's neat to be a part of - like taking a ride through slope-y hills.
i like the way you write.
i like that you listen.
i like that you are so smart and teach me so much.
i like that you are spending the summer here so i can see you.
i don't like that you are leaving.
i don't like that you doubt your wonderfully knit together self.
i don't like that you are hermit-ing right now and that i can't tell all of this to you in person.
to sum up, i like you. YOU are an irreplaceable, exceptional, no-one-else-can-offer-what-you-can, completely unique and all-together-wonderful friend.
happy wednesday, jenn. see you soon.
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