chasing the sun

it's friday here in the land of cowboy hats and twin-cab trucks and I'm at work - which I think is ridiculous considering it is the day after Thanksgiving and no one is calling or needing my assistance in any way - but it gives me time to post some new insight into the mundane, so it can't be all bad, right?

I had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which I always do, and promised myself yet again that one day I'd actually be in New York to see it in person...and I'll stand beside Al Roker as he interviews people on the street and tell him how by being there I am checking off another thing on my "To Do Before I Die" list. Then I helped my mom make a meal that could have fed 20 more people than the 20 we actually had in our home last night. I was only allowed to do menial tasks (ie chopping fruit, cutting up eggs, setting the tables) because, honestly, I don't think my mother will trust me to help with the cooking until I have a husband and can legitimately call myself a woman.

After my drunk and stupid sister had made a spectacle of herself and left and most everyone else had gone home, I sat in the living room with my parents and another couple we've known for years and let the husband go on and on about how his faith had been reformed by some pretty weird things. I tried to be patient and understanding as he baited me with proof texts and scripture taken out of context and his knowledge of systematic theology. This is the man, incidently, who used to be a pastor and actually performed my parents' wedding ceremony. Is there a way to tell someone they are crazy without being disrespectful?

Anyway, I'm tired and still full and wondering why I came back here. I feel so crazy, like I might jump in my awesome car and drive until I can't drive anymore just to escape this uncomfortable life I'm living. I know it is a means to something else and that it is temporary, but Dang! Is home always the hardest place to be? I feel like it should be the safest, most comforting place, but I'm the strong one in my family and I'm feeling the weight of trying to solve everyone else's problem while trying to deal with my own issues and demons all alone. How do you be someone else's strength when you have none of your own? Can you even do that?

I don't want people in my church asking me theological questions because I went to Bible college or because I have a Master's degree. I don't want my mom to need me so much when I need her to be strong and she can't be what I need. I don't want to not be able to talk sanely to my sister who is crazy and strung out while her baby gets shuffled around like a piece of lost luggage. And mostly, I feel as though I'm being selfish and needy about all of it. Shouldn't I want to help people, even if they are my mom or my childhood Sunday School teacher?

Why am I responding like this...I don't understand me at this moment, which I guess is nothing new.