chasing the sun

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle. – Anais Nin


I wonder, sometimes, if I’ve missed out on my dreams. But then I think about it and realize that I don’t even know what I dream or desire for my life. I only know I want to get to the end of it and have few regrets.

There is something within me that keeps me from being able to put words to my dreams and desires just now. I even have difficulty saying what I need or what I think and feel about some things that are currently happening around me – and talking is rarely difficult for me.

Am I dried up from not dreaming, from cutting my heart off from wanting anything so I won’t be disappointed?

For so much of my life I have been trying NOT to say or be the things I despise, but in that attempt I think I’ve lost myself, lost not only the knowledge of myself, but the way back to that knowledge.

And once I find it, I wonder if I’ll be as eager to take hold of those thoughts, desires, feelings and needs that define me.

As I re-read these words, it occurs to me that this may be a time of transition and that I should just be patient and continue to follow God on this journey. Perhaps that is what He is asking of me for now, as I have asked him to show me the way I should go. Maybe He’s delivering it slowly and in His time.

Or maybe, I’m thinking too much.

I can never tell.