chasing the sun

So, I have a “weight problem.” I admit it! I don’t like it, but I think it’s time to be honest with you and with me.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. My mother used to put my sister and me on diets and sign us up for aerobics classes, all while she was gaining weight steadily because she is an emotional eater.

So is my sister and so am I.

I mean, I can track the difficult and painful circumstances in my life by how much I weighed or what size I was wearing at the time. I have tried diets and diet pills, exercise regimens and team sports, and even hypnosis…no kidding.

And I know a lot of people struggle with the same thing and that I’m not as bad off as some, like those tragic figures who have to be lifted out of their homes with construction equipment.

But the thing is that, most of the time, I hate my body. Seriously, I despise it. As much as I love cute clothes and shoes and as much care as I take of this wretched mass of flesh…I hate it! I just wish I had taken better care of it, I guess. Or, I wish it looked like someone else’s body.

And after all the terrible loathing, I still have to recognize that God gave me this body. Maybe he didn’t intend for it to look exactly like this, but He gave it to me and I have failed to take good care of it. For whatever reasons, I have let it become slightly derelict and disheveled. It’s like being given a brand new home and letting it rot and be eaten up by termites, or being given a plant as a gift and letting it wither and die.

This is the thing, above all other things, which I allow to shape my self-image. It is the barrier between me and the rest of the world. It is the thing that most often stops me from talking to men I find attractive. It is, in a nutshell, sort of running and ruining my life.

Ok, so there’s good news too after all this.

I’m losing weight.

And for the first time, it’s not because I’m working out 2-3 hours a day. And it’s not because I’m popping pills that curb my appetite, but make me shake and sweat. It’s because the way I think about food and the way I think about me is changing…and I love it. I love that my body is changing. I love how I feel. Mostly, I love that I am full of hope for the first time because the change is coming from the inside out.

I still have a long way to go and I will update you occasionally on my progress. Mostly, I wanted to put this out there so that besides the commitment I have made to myself and the commitment I have made to my friends…I am now accountable to whoever is reading this.

This is the year I turn 30, the year I officially grow up, and the year I stop wishing and start doing the work.

Wish me luck!