chasing the sun

Trying not to hope too hard
For what I want
Trying not to go too far
With all the dreaming

All the disappointment
So hard to handle
I am still in the dark
Lighting candles

-From Lighting Candles, by The Weepies


This may turn into one of those blogs that doesn’t flow at all because my thoughts are so random and unpredictable. I just got back from “vacation” with my family, though I’ve been told that a family vacation isn’t really a vacation at all and I’m pretty sure I believe that after this one.

I let myself get my hopes up that this would be different than other times spent with my family. I started to believe that we would all be able to enjoy ourselves without hurting each other and that it would be a relaxing time of fun in the sun.

It took less than 24 hours for us to step into those all too familiar destructive roles.

My mother passive aggressively criticizing my sisters’ parenting skills. My youngest sister being overly sweet to hide her insecurities, then lashing out at her 4 year old daughter who spilled her milk. Me checking out of irksome chit chat with the grown ups and concentrating hard on only interacting with the kids, pretending not to be hurt by the thoughtless things my mother says.

And so I came home needing another vacation. I came back feeling hurt and distracted. It’s hard for me to talk about because people expect you to say “I had a great time! It was so much fun! I feel rested after a week in Florida and the Bahamas!” I kind of feel like I should just suck it up and be grateful that I had the experience.

I just don’t know how to do that when I feel so defensive.

I want to believe that someday my family will be a safe place for me; that I can find comfort and peace in their company.

But at least I can come home to a family that is safe for me. A created family to whom I matter. People who love me and want me around and are able to communicate that in a healthy way.

That’s something new.