chasing the sun

I am feeling the onset of the flu today…at least I think it’s the flu. My body hurts, my throat hurts and I am so tired that I stayed home from work. I will still be going to see the new Bridget Jones with my roommate, however. It comes out today. Although, it is possible that seeing that film could worsen my current state of feeling poorly. Mostly because it’s about love and romance and finding your true blah, blah, blah…

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not opposed to all of it. Actually, I’m very much in favor of love and romance and all that. Only, I had hoped that as I got older, I would become more comfortable with that side of myself – the girly-I-want-to-feel-just-like-Juliet side. It seems, though, that as I get older (26, not yet an old-maid I hope), I find myself in the midst of a war between what I want and what I feel comfortable wanting. You can’t fight your feelings, do you know that? They just take over and you can’t make them go away, no matter how hard you try!!! I can’t even pray mine away.

So, I choose the path of least resistance, which is silent acceptance…which is really torture in its basest form if you ask me. The worst of it all is smiling the face of the desperation I feel at not knowing how to be vulnerable, but in the same moment wanting to be. God, I am broken. And so…the world will go on and I will keep getting older and I may never learn how not to be uncomfortable and aloof in relational situations. I may never get to experience the blissful mess that real love can be sometimes.

But I know I am blessed with good friends and family. I want to go places and do things and make a contribution to the world. I want to help people to see things differently and I want to help the church have real and transformational impact for God in this world. I long for life lived in a different way, a meaningful way – I don’t ever want to stop pursuing the wisdom and heart of God…and that’s enough…for now