chasing the sun

Road-weary and tongue-tied I return from a 2-week vacation, if I can call it that, to Texas. I rekindled old friendships and dowsed old flames, fought my way through family drama of the ugliest kind and spent some time reflecting on my life, which was easy to do with 24-hours of driving between me and home.

Far from the wind and rhythm of Chicago, I did not find myself as I had thought I ought to on such a journey.

I realized that myself was not lost. Myself was always right where it should be and by leaving Chicago, I left myself, my family, my home for something my heart was never really missing.

And today, as I sit at my blah desk at my boring job in the heart of the pulsing Chicago loop, I want to be outside in the city, breathing it in, learning from it, talking to it…not stuck at a desk doing repetitive tasks that suck the life from me.

So, I embrace you, Chicago. I don’t want to go anywhere just now.

What I’m meant to do is here.

Who I’m meant to be is here.

And I had to leave here to figure that out.

So, no more running away. I’m going to find a school I like here and start working on a PhD because it’s what I want. And I’m going to find a way to do the work I want to do even though I have no idea how and even though there doesn’t seem to be any money in it because it’s what I want to do.

God has been so good to me. I have a good church and awesome friends and unyielding passion that is my favorite thing about me.

I don’t need more.

I don’t want more.

I’m done worrying that I’m not enough. Of course, I’m not enough. I was never supposed to be enough.

And I’m sure I’ll have doubts and hate the winter and want to quit because it’s hard and I hate feeling inadequate…But I’m done quitting, done running, and done being so scared of failing that I don’t even try. I want to give myself to making a difference and stop squandering the gifts I’ve been given.

I’m done chasing the sun.