chasing the sun

I have no marketable skills...relatively none, anyway. I have been a student for the last seven years, since graduating from high school. I love school. Its really the only thing I've ever been any good at. And this is where I find my latest dilemna. I'm not a "doer". By nature and in practice, I'm a "be-er". That sounds strange, I know. What I mean is that I can understand a great deal, but when it comes to putting it into practice, I am rubbish.

Case in point: I used to play volleyball in college. I learned all the techniques and practiced two hours a day. I absorbed everything the coach said and followed her instructions explicitly in order to make the necessary changes in my performance, but I improved very little. It wasn't for lack of trying or absence of passion for the game. I ran myself ragged, walking away from my first season with numerous scrapes and bruises as well as a terrible case of shin-splints (Ouch!). But now...I can tell you what players are doing wrong and what they are doing right, what they need to change, where the holes are in the other teams defense and which direction they should go with a spike. I can see how the game should be played, but I would ruin it if I tried to get in there and do it myself.

I feel this way a lot of times about my faith and church. I am a great learner and my knowledge translates into a change in my worldview and the way in which I deal with the people around me. I have a good capacity for synthesizing what I learn. The problem is that I am passionate about learning and growing in those ways. I long to pass on that knowledge to others who might or might not benefit from it. But this is not something I find much use for in the church. Don't get me wrong, faith without works is useless. I believe strongly in taking care of the poor, the widow, the orphan and I will commit to do those things with my life. But still there is value in learning and understanding the world fully and completely with as much objectivity as is humanly possible. I long to see the "big picture" and to be able to describe it for others.

I wish I could understand what it feels like to be more concerned about people than I am about the truth. Consumed with knowing the truth and understanding it, I often overlook the importance of people. I wonder if God made me this way, or if I'm just cold-hearted and unloving. I feel that way when I look so hard for understanding from others and find only reproach, even from friends.

God, I am whiny today! Forgive my grumblings...