i am lonely...there, I said it!
This isn't a commentary on the dregs of singleness or anything like that, so don't be scared. It's just that, well, I miss my friends. There's nothing like having people around who don't ask you to repeat and/or explain yourself...people that know you and understand you and don't get upset when you're being ridiculous because they know you're just being you. Honestly, I miss having people around who are actually interested in me not because they have to be, but because they want to be...they aren't checking their watches, making sure they'll have enough time to get to the people they'd really rather be with, but they just sit and smile and make time like they've got time because you are a priority to them.
Maybe this is just selfishness talking, maybe I'm just no good at being a friend. I know that it is really difficult for me to put myself out there, to initiate relationship, to care no matter how my caring will be received. But I have come to this point where it's either fight or flight...either I stick it out and determine that I will care about and matter to this or that person...or else I will run as fast as I can to find someone safe and low-maintenance who will make me feel useful for a while because they are suffering with extreme mental or emotional problems and they need my guidance and help. Then, of course, the cycle will start all over again.
I just want someone to notice...to see that I'm tired of struggling to be important, to matter...(I used to be so tough and impervious to uncomfortable emotions...what the crap!!!)
I can't think about this anymore or my head will explode.
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about me
i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
4 comments:
what happened to your "old friends"? I appreciate your openess on this issue...I tend to gravitate to the "needy" friendships (hence my realtionship with Allan...j/k bro i thought you would probably read this). I don't know where I am going with this but you have definitely started a thought process...thanks.
the old friends are here and there...Dallas, Scotland, Chicago...my first instinct is to apologize for being so whiny, but I'm not going to. Have you reached any conclusions??
thanks jenn for your honesty. I USED to have a friend called Paul. Needy chap....kidding.
Seriously...there is nothing worse than living in a city of a couple million people and still feel lonely. Friendship is hard work, community is even harder. Unfortunatly we are in a generation of people who want community on our own terms, when we have time, when our needs are met blah, blah, blah...anyway. 1647N Northpark is an open door. Swing by anytime. We may not have food but we will always have beer!
man i wish i was there so we could make a run to get slurpee's. but its to cold for that i guess. oh well. missing you though...
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