Today my young, but brilliant pastor who puts poignant and profound thoughts together so well said that the struggle for identity is not a war between pledging allegiance to something or nothing. No, it is allegiance to either Christ or something else – in other words, you can’t not be serving something as Lord in your life. And so I sat there on the verge of tears and frustration trying to think what the Lord is in my life. I know it’s not Christ.
Lately I’ve been feeling completely unsaved and stubborn in my devotion to Christ. Even now I can’t think how I feel…a little panicky, a little sad…it is desolation and aloneness like I’ve never felt before and my first thought is that I should pray, but I’m too rebellious to give into it. I want interaction with God on my own terms in a grandiose way that will make me feel ridiculously special and loved. I am guilty of all the things I see as hypocrisy in the church among the pseudo-religious, but I can’t really admit it to myself. How can I realize something is wrong in my very soul and, at the same time, not be able to change it, not be willing to change it? God, I am a “stiff-necked” rebel, always blaming others for what I do to myself by choosing to submit to the wrong Lord over and over and over again.
I know my desire to be exceptional is definitely a controlling force in my life, if not the controlling force. Is it wrong to want to be extraordinary? I don’t want to fit in, I want to excel and that has brought me to this, my current state of living in fear that someone might notice that I’m not that smart, or that I’ve gained ten pounds since summer, or that I don’t practice much of what I preach and am really just a fraud in Christian clothing.
The truth is that all of this leads inevitably to insecurity, which I possess in abundance. I’m always wishing I was better and more than I am: smarter, thinner, prettier, more athletic, more creative, more poetic, more compassionate and caring, more carefree and easy-going, more loving and loveable…
But always I come back to this staged and very fake self-confidence that protects like a sort of shield. Few can get through and I rarely let my guard down, though I might say I am being completely open and honest, you’re still seeing only what I want you to see and nothing more.
I don’t have any brilliant ideas for how to end this modest admission of failure and defeat. Let’s be honest, who really reads this junk anyway???
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about me
i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
3 comments:
Jenn, you are incredible! You really are. I admire your strength and ability to be vulnerable with so much. What you shared is honest and I promise you, you are not alone. You are just smarter than the rest of us in articulating it. You friend are a brilliant strong woman of God doing life better than you think. Keep asking, keeping reflecting, keep writing. (if this counts for anything; your blog has been a blessing to me. Thanks for being true.)
Thanks Allan...and I appreciate the encouragement. I was truly scared to put all this down for God and everyone to see, so thanks for being gentle and sincere.
i ofter wonder what kind of weirdo reads blogs. kidding. i was thinking of what to say to you about this, but i dont think i can give you any direction on this issue. i think you have the answer already. besides, you dont need a million solutions. i think your fairly decent "as is". laters....
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