chasing the sun

There’s this girl…she doesn’t actually exist, well, maybe somewhere she does, but I don’t know her personally…she’s the girl I wish I was. She’s brilliant, passionate, fun, encouraging, strong, secure, compassionate, kind, thoughtful, and gentle…

And then there’s this other girl…she’s terse, fearful, angry, mean, stubborn, cold, forgetful, insecure, and a loner…this is who I am most days…I despise this girl.

I can feel myself responding badly to people and I am aware of almost every stupid and rude thing I do. But I don’t stop myself!! Instead I just react and then feel guilty about it, adding each incident to the pile I have stored up in my crazy head. They swim around for hours, days, years even, not really resolving or landing. This clearly isn’t healthy.

People will tell you that you need to learn to “let go” of that stuff. That “guilt is a worthless emotion.” But who can really do that? And won’t you teach me how to stop torturing myself??

I’ve been reading a lot lately about my personality type (those personality tests really are both wonderful and wretched, I might add) and I can’t help but think that I have been blessed with the most undesirable personality type in the lot. Apparently, some of the things I perceive as flaws are actually personality traits that will be with me forever. Because you can’t really change your personality, can you?

Anyway, from now on I’m wearing a t-shirt that says: “No, this really is the way I am. I’m sorry.”

Arrrggghhh!