What a crazy week this has turned out to be!! My senses are in uproar because I think I’m finally starting to understand what actually living life is all about. I’m not watching from the sidelines any more and it feels strange. I’d like to say it’s awesome, but I don’t think that so I won’t say it. It’s not awesome; actually, it is kind of lonely and unnerving.
I miss being in school. Whatever I learn these days comes from my own intentionality, which is good, but not easy. And my friends are so far away – most of them…and even though some of them are in the same city, they’re still far away…even when they’re in the same room.
Strangely, the world does not revolve around me and my need to feel secure and adequate.
Do you ever feel like a player in the play of your life and times – like millions of people are watching you, waiting for the next inconsistency to pop up, waiting for the next err in judgment, waiting for a resolution to the action that comes in half-hour increments? I feel it sometimes, that everything I do is being scrutinized and called into questions by critical eyes that are always on me.
Maybe this is my view of God and me and our turbulent relationship, if you can call it that. Maybe I see God as this sort of older, smarter version of my father who is waiting for me to mess up so He can say “I told you so.” – who’s wanting me to seek His approval, not so He can give it, but so he can list the reasons why whatever I’m doing shouldn’t be done the way I’m doing it.
Are we supposed to ever trust ourselves with the daily routines of living our lives? Mostly, I feel like I’m just scurrying from one near failure to the next in search of the ideal. People have laughed lovingly at me when I tell them what I want to do with my life. Maybe the laugh because they know I lack conviction. Maybe they laugh because what I want is ridiculous.
All this self-doubt and reflection and still I am no closer to a definitive answer to the question I want answered most:
Am I where and what and who I am supposed to be? Am I becoming that woman or am I lost to my fears that I will never be her?
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about me
i'm jenn. i'm 30 years old and still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'm open to suggestions...
1 comments:
Hi Jenn,
Hey. How are things going? I know you battle with these things - and I am not free of inner battles either - when I wish I was. I know your battles are your own though and I can't understand fully - but I can sympathise or empathise - one or the other! I know it's not easy and there is such a longing just to be free to live life in freedom. It is a promise of Gods - that he would give life, abundant life, life that is set free. He'll be consitent and faithful and fulfilling his promises. Don't know how long it'll all take - but we will get there! I know it comes in waves and ups and starts. Hope things are going alright at the moment - would be great to hear what you're up to, what you do really dream to do with your life and what life is like in chicago at the mo. How's Allan too? See ya later alligator, Bethy xx
you can laugh at me if you go to my blog - some silly photos!
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