chasing the sun

Something you need to know about me if we’re going to be friends is that I am capricious, at least about important decisions. Take the future, for example. Just when I had decided for certain that I was going to stay in Chicago, I am gearing up to move again. I’ll stay through the winter, because, let’s face it, who wants to move in the wintertime? But come spring, I’m going to pack my things and haul my life somewhere else.

All this is in pursuit of a goal, an ambition I have to be a professor of theology.

This decision is taxing my personal life because I don’t want to leave my church and my friends. It’s affecting my emotional life, making me sad and worried and doubtful. And it’s challenging my professional vision as I try to decide whether or not I truly believe I’ve got what it takes to do what I want to do.

I will have to learn Hebrew and Greek and study Systematic Theology! I’ll have to write a thesis and a dissertation and take oral exams and do internships and practicum and get published! It all sounds really exciting and terrifying!

Above it all, deciding to do this means facing my doubts about my abilities. It’s great to have a dream, but the possibility of that dream coming true is, at once, thrilling and ominous.

It’s like the lead-up to getting a driver’s license. You long for it, the freedom and independence. And then you get it and you realize that with that license comes so much responsibility. You have to get insurance. You have to pay attention to other, more reckless drivers. You have to put gas in the car, change the oil, and maintain its working condition.

It’s a lot of work having a dream.

I’m willing to do the work, whether I’m able…only time will tell.